Book Summary: The Courage To Be Happy

I recently listened to the audiobook for the above, and here are my notes (mostly from the last few chapters).

Nothing days

Our trials and decisions as human beings do not come only with such symbolic life events as taking university entrance examinations, gaining employment or getting married. For us, it is our ‘nothing days’ that are our trial, and it is in everyday life here and now that the big decisions must be made. People who manage to get by and avoid those trials are unlikely to ever attain real happiness.

We choose a lifestyle for being loved

We are caught up in a need for approval, and this stems from the psychological anxiety we face as children, in obtaining our parents' love. We then therefore live according to the best answer to the question, "How can I be loved?". We live controlled by our parents' love.

In actuality, the solution is to be self-reliant, by having the courage to love someone else (explained below), and not waiting to be loved.

Adler also gives stereotypes of children in various family settings:

In general, the youngest child chooses a path that differs completely from the other members of his family. In other words, if it is a family of scientists, he will become a musician or a merchant. If it is a family of merchants, he might become a poet. He must always be different from other people.
For the first-born child, and also for the only child, the greatest privilege may be that one had a time in which one monopolised one’s parents’ love. Later-born children do not have the experience of monopolising their parents. They always have a rival who is ahead of them, and in many cases they are placed in competitive relationships. The first-born child who has monopolised the parents’ love, on the birth of a brother or sister, will be forced to come down from that position. The first-born child who does not cope with this setback satisfactorily will hope to some day regain that seat of power. Adler refers to this child as being a ‘worshipper of the past’ who creates a lifestyle that is conservative and pessimistic with regard to the future.
The second child always has a pacesetter running ahead of them. And at the heart of the second child, there lies the feeling of ‘I want to catch up.’ They want to catch up with their elder brother or sister. To catch up, they have to hurry. They are constantly pushing themselves and planning how to catch up with, overtake and even triumph over their elder brother or sister. Unlike the conservative first-born child who holds the rule of law in high regard, the second child wishes to overturn even the natural law of birth order. So, second children aim for revolution. Rather than trying to be at peace with the existing powers-that-be as first-born children do, they place worth on overthrowing the powers-that-be.
It is true that the only child has no siblings who would become rivals. But in this situation, it is the parents who become the rivals. The child wants so much to have his mother’s love all to himself that he ends up seeing his father as a rival. He is in an environment that is conducive to the development of the so-called mother complex.

People are afraid of loving

One must not seek collateral (guarantees) in love. To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

For example, when someone has the feeling that someone else is showing goodwill toward them, they become interested in the other person and then begin to like them. This is a common occurence.

The reason we seek collateral in love is because we do not love ourselves, we do not respect or have confidence in ourselves, and think things like "I'll definitely get hurt" or "Who would ever love me". We use the inferiority complex as an excuse to avoid one's tasks - the task of loving another.

Whether the other person reciprocates or not is irrelevant; it is their task, and we cannot interfere with that. Love (and respect) cannot be forced. We can therefore only begin by loving.

The One

The ultimate excuse to not perform one's tasks of loving is to wait for "The One", or a supposed destined person who will love and accept oneself. Few people would respond to such a self-centered need, except one's own parents.

Adler does not accept the existence of a 'destined' one. He contends that the reason we create such a fantasy is to eliminate all candidates. The result of that is to come up with all sorts of reasons to reject each candidate (such as demanding excessive and unrealisable ideals) and avoid entering into deeper relationships with people, and avoid being hurt. They are running away from relationships.

Love is a decision. If one makes the firm decision to build real love, and one confronts the task accomplished by two people, love is possible with any partner.

Ultimately, destiny is created by people. It is something built up from the effort of two people. Rather than seeking a destined person, we build relationships of a kind that might be referred to as destined.

The Responsibility of Love

The person who claims to like flowers, but lets them wither right away, forgetting to water them, and just puts the flowerpot in a place where they look nice does not really love flowers. Love is similar.

The person who lives wanting an easy life or looking for the easy way may find fleeting pleasures, but they will not be able to grasp real happiness. It is only by loving another person that we are liberated from self-centredness. It is only by loving another person that we can achieve self-reliance. And it is only by loving another person that we arrive at community feeling.

Conclusion

Let’s embark on love. And devote our ceaseless efforts towards the best possible parting with that person we have loved. There is no need to worry about time limits or anything like that.